Merci Pour le Venin

So. Not finals.

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 23:45:30 GMT

I am only doing this because I am bored as fuck, don't want to study for finals, and...it seemed nice. I don't know.

1. List twenty things you wish you could say to people but can't. You can list the same people repeatedly.

2. Don't say who they are.

3. Never discuss it again.

1. Dude. As much as I poke you, prod you, harass you, and verbally whip your ass, you're pretty much the coolest kid I know. If I could make up a person in my head that would be an ideal friend, they'd probably be a lot like you. And the fact that we're related makes you ten times cooler.

2. So. You're the only person who's always going to be a given in my life. No matter how much we bicker, I know that essentially we're like family. You keep me from acting like a total idiot and since I talk to you every fucking day, even though you're in one state and I'm in another, you're pretty much saving me from the people I've met here. Where my girls at, you may ask? Well, one of them is at a state school in my home state and I get to see her in less than a week. Which is pretty fucking cool.

3. You're my moral guidepost. Whenever I have a problem, I come to you. And even though you usually tell me what I don't want to hear, I know that you're right because you have an uncanny talent for saying exactly what I need to know. We watch Gilmore Girls together and you always ask me why we can't be more like Rory and Loralei, but I think we're even cooler.

4. So, I'm so close to you that it's scary. I can predict what you're going to do next, and you can do the same for me. You're pretty undefinable...you're the kind of person that I think I've helped influence, but meanwhile we're still two totally different people. You always know what I'm thinking and I think I sometimes take you for granted, because those things that I come to depend on out of you are things that most people have to live without. So thanks.

5. You are the person I feel like I have to constantly defend and protect from the world, even though you're doing just fine without me. Without you, I'd probably wallow in self-doubt and angst, but you take everything that I'm experiencing and make it positive somehow. I know that I can always come to you to watch shitty cartoons or a chick flick and you bring out the girlie side in me. You're one of the few people that I completley and utterly trust, and that means so much to me.

6. I am more frustrated by you then I ever thought could be humanly possible. Which, if you think about it, makes no sense considering what a passive person you generally are. But whenever I think things are good, you turn around and say something that throws everything back up into the air. Maybe part of it is just me listening to everyone else too much, but I'm getting really sick of this dynamic and I really want to go back to a time where you didn't depend on me so much.

7. So yeah. Everyone kept telling me that you were perfect, and I believed it for awhile. Even if you grew up, I still think even the sight of you would frustrate me. I've never felt so relieved as I did when I knew that I didn't have to deal with you anymore.

8. I love you so very much. I know I get frustrated and have a tendency to snap at you when I know that I shouldn't, you're my mini-me. I love being in your life.

9. I haven't spoken to you in fourteen years. I miss you like crazy. Every time my father tells me something new we have in common, I feel like my whole world would be different if you were still around.

10. I really, really despise you. I know you're probably a different person now, but I felt like I could've been the person I am now three years earlier if you had just never existed.

11. I worry about you. Really, I do. I don't know what you're going to do next and that scares me, because I love you and you're too fucking talented to ruin your life. I used to depend on you to be the voice of reason, and now that's my job. I really don't like it. I need the old you back.

12. You, on the other hand, I wish would jump off a fucking cliff. Don't laugh like I'm kidding.

13. I'm sorry the way things ended. In hindsight, I should've just left it as friends. But you didn't have to go get drunk and completely ruin the way I thought about you. Just to let you know.

14. Sometimes I want to see you again, just so I can tell you how well-adjusted I am and let you see that I'm really better off without you. And sometimes I want you to just be in my life again.

15. YOU. Dear god, what to say about you. You have been there ever since I can remember, and you've always been a pain in my ass. We've had our fights, we've had our huge fights, and we've had our friendship (if that's what you can call it). I think, under different circumstances, we could've been close. Really close. But you're the antagonist and I'm just the girl that should've let my guard down, so who's really the winner in this situation?

16. I really hope you end up okay. I like our moments where you tell me exactly what you're thinking and even though I'm a fan of guys that don't get all emotional on my ass, from you it's something that's rare and I appreciate that you trust me enough to talk to me at all. I understand that we're totally different people, and if we hadn't had those two years we wouldn't be friends at all, but I think that our differences keep me from being too closed off and you from being too insane. Or maybe I'm just kidding myself.

17. Why were you ever in my life? Answer that question and maybe I'll reevaluate things, but for now you're just a fucking enigma. I've never been so confused by someone so simple in my whole life.

18. I feel like an idiot for being so attached to you, but I am. You came to me at a time when I needed someone quirky who could talk to me like we were in the movie Garden State. Part of me knows that nothing's going to come out of this, but another part of me kind of hopes that maybe this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

19. I probably won't ever see you again, but those nights we laughed until we hurt inside will forever stay in my memory. I miss you.

20. Standing up to you was one of the best things I ever did. From there was a turning point, so I'd like to say thank you very much for making me grow a backbone and chuck your sorry ass out of my life.

The end.

Punchy.

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 05:04:52 GMT

Apparently I need to do this. Go figure.

All I'm going to say is that I am very angry that I am working at Panera.

And I am incredibly amused by the fact that my laptop is PORTABLE.

Um. Hey there.

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 19:52:34 GMT

Is it worth it to start writing in this thing again? I feel like it's been abandoned by most people, so I'm not even sure if it'd be worth it. Plus, my summer isn't that exciting.
It's up to everyone else. God knows I can't make decisions for myself.

Flipped.

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 22:29:08 GMT

Wow.
Today has been thoroughly mediocre. Just like this whole weekend. Only change "thoroughly mediocre" to "a fat load of shit".
Spent most of Friday hating everthing and everyone for various reasons. Spent most of Saturday trying to convince myself that I wasn't really THAT sick or THAT pathetic or THAT disconnected. Spent most of Sunday admitting to myself that I am all those things. Spent most of today watching Scrubs on DVD and praying for an exit. Still no luck.
I hate being sick. I feel like shit, I sleep when I can. I was up at four thirty this morning, when I took twice as much Tylenol as I was supposed to in a desperate attempt to make myself tired. Washed said Tylenol down with a Diet Coke. Caffeine counteracted medicine. I was still awake. Watched more Scrubs. It stopped being funny after the 15th episode.
I feel so disgusting right now. I took a shower, but apparently the feeling doesn't just go skin deep. I've had to figure out a lot of things lately, and as per usual nobody knows the full story. My excuse for my behavior is that--
--oh wait. That's right. I haven't figured out the reason yet.
I just got fed up with my life. For a brief period of time, I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity and be discontent with the way that things are going for me lately. As shitty as this has made me feel, I think that in some strange way it was necessary for me to disconnect for a little while, just so I could figure out where I was without any outside factors affecting anything.
It's getting better, I guess.
But then again, who really knows.

Countdown to Extinction

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 13:19:44 GMT

When I called in to work a few minutes ago, because I've been up since four in the morning hacking up a lung, the manager told me to call him back at noon and tell him if I'm feeling any better. Because he needs me to come into work.
This is why Panera is so sensitive to it's workers needs.

Sorry.

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 03:42:13 GMT

Yeah. This livejournal is pretty neglected...I have it set as my homepage, but I might as well just set my homepage to Myspace because that's where I automatically go anyway.
I am so exhausted. Work, luckily, wasn't too bad because I got off about two hours earlier than I was supposed to. That was pretty nice, I guess, but I really could use the money at this point. Once I return my Panic! shirt, though, I should have a little more cash. Which is a plus, I suppose.
No school tomorrow for Molly because she's going to go visit ISU. Three meetings for a total of one hour of effort. I have to drive both ways, though, because I am suffering from extreme highway inexperience. Blech.
Last night was fun. Although I checked everyone's Myspaces and with the exception of one "Secret Show", nobody's playing in Naperville for an extended period of time. So it looks like our spree of local shows is over. I guess it was fun, while it lasted.
Joy. All of my brother's friends are finally leaving. They're pretty nice, I guess, but most of them are so. Fucking. Loud. And by most, I mean all. Wonderful.
Oh yeah. I just got out of bed a few minutes ago after laying down for an hour and not being able to fall asleep. I also read an entire (mediocre at best) book this evening. Somebody find me something to do.
I'm going to go attempt to keep myself entertained until I get tired enough to attempt sleep again. Talk to you peeps laterzzz!!!1one.

Tightrope walking isn't for clowns.

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 04:18:18 GMT

I don't know why I'm so down today. Overall, the day wasn't so bad. School was alright, lunch was pretty fun...but my house is a nightmare. I slept from four in the afternoon until about eight, only to be woken up by my mother who was (shock of the century) harassing me about my scholarship applications. Lovely to see you too, mom. I love how it never occured to her that I might be feeling poorly, because you know, normal and healthy people don't sleep fifteen hours a day. I may be a teenager, but honestly...that's pretty weird. So, I get up, get on the computer, and all that I've managed to do over the past two to three hours is watch the "I Write Sins, not Tragedies" music video at least a dozen times and check my email compulsively for new livejournal/myspace comments that get sent to me. This is pathetic and disgusting. My sister, unfortunately, was sent some idiotic soundtrack from some disney channel movie and has insisted upon doing nothing but screech the words into her karaoke machine since she got it. This is the primary reason that I slept in the basement this afternoon.
So anyway, I guess the long and short of it is that I'm under house arrest until I get these stupid things done. Catch you guys later.

Come on baby, you're my best fix.

Sat, 21 Jan 2006 20:03:53 GMT

Seeing as I have nothing better to do....
Yesterday was thoroughly mediocre. Underworld: Evolutions is a waste of money, I do not recommend it. Lots of useless sex and violence...so if you're into that, go for it. Then we went to Portillos, which was actually pretty fun ("Say Linguini!" "...Linguini?") but we definately overstayed our welcome...by about an hour. Yash's wrestling meet was okay, if a little smelly, and we ended up leaving at about nine thirty. By this point, the roads were a total mess on account of the snow so we dropped Hayley at home and I ended up staying at Nannetti's house because I didn't wanted to drive all the way home. Watched Girl, Interrupted which is very sad. Yes, sad Alyssa. Don't ask questions.
Today, hopefully, will be better. I'm staying over @ Nannetti's again after a long, trying day of work (uh...and by that I mean four whole hours. Yep.) Then, movie fest? I'll call you guys to see what I should bring....
....in addition to Zelda. OOH! We should beat the boss on the file me and Chuck already started. That would be pretty nifty, because I am hecka awesome at the boss part, with the reflective sword...
I need. To get. Some real. Friends.
That aren't named Link. Or Zelda.

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 17:06:29 GMT

I think I stared at the "Update Journal" screen for at least fifteen minutes before actually deciding to write something.
I know Hayley said she's writing something about last night, but that doesn't mean I still won't write about it, haha. It was so much fun. Honestly, I haven't felt that comfortable in my own skin in a very long time. Arrowhead Park at night has its own comforting qualities, and if you lay ontop of the hill and look at the stars you get a truly unique perspective on life...especially when you're deciding which Pokemon everybody is. Swinging on the swings is fun, because I can watch my friends and feel like, for the first time in a very long time, nothing is wrong. And I will bet that we can never recreate that moment again, but it was wonderful while it lasted.
Today will be fun. Underworld: Evolutions is, to this date, the only vampire obsession that my friends will tolerate. I am grateful for that...plus, we're all huge liars if we say Scott Speedman isn't hot.
See you guys today.

New Screenname.

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 23:15:33 GMT

HolyCowBatman013.
This is my new screenname. Please use it.

Huh.

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 21:05:54 GMT

I'm thinking of starting a friends only writing journal on here.
Would anybody read it?

Cranial Dislocation

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 19:28:23 GMT

This morning has been going in slow motion, and I am moving faster than everything else.
Where was the option of slowing down? I hate that I miss things.

Apocalypse Now

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 17:26:56 GMT

Wow.
I was right about one thing: When it's good, it's really good. But when it's bad, its hell.

Skeptics and True Believers...guess which one I am.

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 22:05:23 GMT

Sorry for not updating in...forever, according to Alyssa. I can't even find the time to write in my REAL journal, let alone this one. So sorry to the two people that actually read this.
I think this weekend has great potential to be truely awesome or a true disaster. I guess it's all in what we make of it, but what once was pure and unadulterated excitement is now a sort of hybrid of enthusiasm and dread. I kind of hate that.
After this weekend dies down, however, I can honestly say that nothing good is going to happen to me until March. At that point, I get to escape from school and Naperville for a few days, WITH THE FAMILY. Is it pathetic that I want so badly to get out of here that I'll even put up with my siblings and parents for a stretch of five days?
Don't answer that question.
Monday is going to suck. As is today. And tomorrow until third period, where (hopefully) I won't have to present the speech that I am in no way prepared for. Excellent.
Catch you all later. Maybe.

The guerilla terrorist of teenage romance.

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 21:37:07 GMT

Wow. Today has been like an episode of The Twilight Zone, only not as severe and way less exciting.
Couldn't fall asleep until four in the morning, regardless of the fact that I went to bed at midnight. Slept from four until five, then woke up and stayed up from five until six. At six, I fell back asleep only to sleep through my alarm, thereby giving myself exactly twenty minutes to shower and dress for the day. To which I say: Fuck that.
School was truly mediocre. For once I didn't fuck up everything in ceramics, which is a plus (of sorts). Gym, Brit Lit, blah blah blah. Lunch was fine, Consumer Ed was utter hell, AP Stats wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated, and I spent all of seventh period doing Sudoku puzzles that Anne Turner was giving me.
Went to Panera to pick up my paycheck, went to the bank and got on the phone with my mother who, naturally, asked about all my finals. What I got was an A, B, D and F. Fantastic, a real over-achiever I am. But when I told her all this, she wasn't worried at all. This is by far the strangest thing that's happened to me recently. Hands down. My mother is like a grade Nazi. But I suppose I should just be grateful.
Work from five until close tonight, but I'm in bakery so it's not so bad. I have to do that stupid Consumer Ed assignment, however. Not looking forward to that one so much. And does anybody know what the hell is going on in Brit Lit? I don't even know what the project is, let alone when it's due. Great.
I should probably get started on that. Yeah.

Childhood ends the moment you realize you're going to die.

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 23:43:23 GMT

My new years resolutions:
1. Write a story I don't feel like finishing immediately after I start it.
2. Stop apologizing to avoid confrontation.
3. Find a boy that's worth my time.
4. Make new friends, keep the old ones.
5. Don't be pathetic.
6. Be myself, don't change based on where I am or who I'm with.
7. Tolerate my extended family.
8. Stop being such a coward.
9. Start accepting the fact that people drink and be okay with it, even though I don't.
10. Be happier. God knows I need it.
11. Find a religion I can truly believe in.
12. Stop being so concerned with the mainstream and how to stay out of it.
13. Figure out what I'm going to do with my life.

A toast to the little things.

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 23:55:49 GMT

I WROTE SOMETHING!
I WROTE SOMETHING!
I WROTE SOMETHING!
I WROTE SOMETHING!
I WROTE SOMETHING!
I WROTE SOMETHING!
I WROTE SOMETHING!
I WROTE SOMETHING!
I WROTE SOMETHING!
I WROTE SOMETHING!
I WROTE SOMETHING!
I WROTE SOMETHING!
I WROTE SOMETHING!

Okay, so it's not actually done yet. But I'm so pleased with myself.

Is that a new sweater? My you're looking obese today.

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 02:50:47 GMT

Today was a shitty day.
Woke up at the crack of eleven when my mother announced that we were leaving to go bowling in fourty-five minutes. Scrambled into the shower, got dressed, and piled into the van for two and a half hours of fun-filled pin slaughtering. As if that weren't excruciating enough, I had cousins harassing me constantly through the whole process. Afterwards, I accompanied Chuck to the barber where his hairdresser, who was apparently on CRACK, asked him if I was his wife. I just about threw up right then and there. So, then I get home, go pick up Steph, and eat dinner at Panera. That part was alright. Turns out there's this Holiday banquet on the fifteenth and me and Steph are planning on going together, unless something comes up. But Eric was being a complete dick. He kept telling me that I wasn't doing a good job in dining room. Lucky for me, Brian let me go (finally) but seriously, it was a load of shit. And to top it all off, I don't know if I'm supposed to come into work tomorrow, so I have to call Amy before ten in order to find out. This implys that I'd have to get up before ten. THIS BLOWS.
I need to write something.

Brokeback Kong!

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 00:21:13 GMT

Saw Brokeback Mountain today with Hayley. I've got mixed feelings on it....I think if you're a flagrant homophobe you should see it, because it'll teach you a lesson, but I think if you're already accepting of the gay lifestyle that the message might be redundant. It was mediocre to me....although some parts, admittedly, were pretty gut-wrenchingly sad. Not the feel-good movie of the year, to say the least.
The next few days should be relatively awful. There's exactly eleven people staying at my house at the moment, and I'm the kind of girl that likes my alone time. Sad part is that I'm not allowed to leave. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EVERYONE NEEDS TO COME HOME!
People keep walking through here. My privacy is being raped.
Somebody please call me. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE.

Mon, 26 Dec 2005 01:44:13 GMT

I've just seen my new favorite movie.
This Christmas is now officially good.

Materialism ate my soul.

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 20:16:57 GMT

Time to evaluate this years loot (I wanna know what all you guys got too, so be sure to post your lists!):
1. MY SKELETON TRACK JACKET! My mother is a pathalogical liar and told me that they were all sold out when she went to go get it. LIES!!!!!
2. A new comforter for my sort-of new bed. It's grey, because there were no black ones, but I like it just fine.
3. A gift card to Aeropostale. They have good sales, shut up.
4. New pajamas from my sister...they have sheep on them. I have no idea when I will wear these.
5. CD's: Rent, Bullets and Octane (yes!!!!), and The Birthday Massacre.
6. Band tee shirt....another FFTL, hurrah!
7. SPAMALOT TICKETS!

Eh...thats about it.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

If Jesus is the reason for the season, then why am I avoiding my church?

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 02:11:52 GMT

Christmas Eve is so underwhelming.
I woke up today at eleven o'clock. I think it was raining. Got out of bed to find that my sister was crying. Why, you may ask? Because my mom made cookie dough without her. Yes, that was her tragedy of the morning. Oh, but it gets better. After the cookie fiasco, my mom and sister left the house and I took my brother to the video store. I was wearing my hobo coat, a HIM tee shirt (which, wen, i have been wearing for....two days straight, haha. I <3 it times infinity) and flannel pants when the most adorable guy came in...my kind of guy. Longish hair, kind of grungy, big smile on his face. I almost had a heart attack. He looked at me like I was a homeless person. YAY! Damn that hobo coat. So, after renting some movies appropriate to the season (Lost Boys and The Crow) I came home and retreated to my room with the portable DVD player. Watched Lost Boys...pretty good, but not as amazing as I was expecting it to be. Then, after my brother refused to get off the computer, I took a nap....from four o'clock until now. I am never going to sleep tonight. No way. And now my family is insisting upon the dreaded "family bonding time". Hell and pure torture. And, since the chicken my father is cooking us for dinner is taking too long, we are postponing our visit to the temple of God until tomorrow. I was kind of looking forward to getting it over with, but whatever. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get out of it tomorrow, but who knows: I may just be forced.
Hark, is that the smell of dinner? No? Well this is boring.
PS. The arrival of the insane relatives is the 26th. Until the 28th, I am held hostage in my own home.

I met the governor and all I got was this stupid handshake.

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 01:32:41 GMT

Ta da. Another Christmas family function to check off my list.
It actually wasn't so bad. Other than the fact that I was totally exhausted, I had a pretty okay time. Tea was good, we went to Neiman Marcus and got our makeup done at the Bobbi Brown counter, and we went to H&M and I got a few things.
Funniest part of the evening is when we were waiting for the valet to get our car. Aunt Janet just turns to us and goes "Hey, the governor is walking in". And sure enough, Rod Blagoyovich (or however the hell you spell his last name) just strolled up to us (after my mom yelled "HEY GOVERNOR!") and talked to us. He payed extra careful attention to my sister...which was very pedophilic. Eww. So yeah. That was my day.
I am so fucking tired. I need to go to bed.

We live for cute moments.

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 03:46:22 GMT

This made me really happy:

asked by nicole on Dec 18 2005 1:54PM
so what is your advice to someone who thinks that the entire world is going to crash and burn on her in about 5 seconds?

answered by peter on Dec 18 2005 3:00PM
kiss someone fast and brace for impact.

This is why Fall Out Boy, no matter how overexposed they become, will always be great.

Let's scoot on our asses around the subject at hand.

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 19:34:03 GMT

I just realized that I haven't updated on anything of substance in a very long while. This is my attempt to compensate.
Finals are finally over, thank Ville. I'm pretty sure that I bombed the AP Stats test, but I feel like I'm past the point of caring. This is probably a bad thing, but I just can't be bothered. Oh well. This also signifies the beginning of the long-anticipated WINTER BREAK. It's been pretty disappointing so far, for the most part. A lot of working, a lot of sitting around the house. I did have a pretty good day yesterday. I saw almost everyone (missed you, Wen!) and that was nice. We all need to be in the same place for it to be a true victory, though. I can't wait for Thursday.
Working from three until close tonight, and right now that seems like an eternity. Hopefully I'll get a few good people in my shift to hang out with, and (fingers crossed) I won't have to close dishes or dining room. That may just be wishful thinking on my part, however.
Currently, I have 68 days of music on my iTunes. This is because I have done nothing but rip CD's to my computer for the past 48 hours. This is sick.
Another sick thing: I've had five cans of Diet Coke this morning, and I will probably drink loads more at work this evening. I am gross.
Myspace has hijacked my soul.
I go now.